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On Gay (Online) Dating in the USA

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I have a confession to make: I am spoiled. PlanetRomeo spoiled me regarding my expectations towards gay (online) dating and hook up.

For those of you who don’t know PlanetRomeo: It is the major gay dating website in Germany or even Europe. Founded about 10 years ago it earned the reputation for being the gay “registration office” in Germany with a coverage of nearly 10% of all German gays. And it earned this success well with a detailed profiles and searches (yes, you can search be fetish and if somebody is into BDSM), free unlimited profile viewing and messaging and until recently free access to porno pics if you had enough friends.

Prior of coming to the USA, I made some research on gay dating over here. So I was prepared that I will not have it as comfortable as I had it in Germany but the experience I have made is way worse than I expected it to be.

The first thing I have done is switching my Recon profile to Chicago. This got me into contact with some people but as everywhere there are way too many subs I have to compete with so success has been fairly limited. At Recon I first observed the American attitude towards date communication: If you haven’t agreed on something specific after the 5th message they will refuse to write back. For a person who is only into rough sessions which need some coordination on what can happen and a certain level of trust which builds up during the chat, such a communication habit is depressing. Futhermore, the rather basic search function and the small limit of daily profile views when you are not a premium member make a thorough search stressful and annoying. I could upgrade but the relatively low number of potential guys and the relatively high price of a subscription – at least compared to the price of the one at PlanetRomeo – put me off.  Of cause there are some promising guys so I might get lucky but sadly they are a small minority.

Next I downloaded Grindr and Scruff on my smartphone. Since I don’t have a perfect body I can’t use a picture of my faceless abs which makes me uninteresting for 90% of the guys there. 5% of the guys show the American communication pattern (see above) and the last 5% are desperate guys into vanilla – mostly bottoms – who stalk every new guy.

Being used to more traditional gay online dating I signed up on Manhunt.com and… oh boy! The material there is comparable to the one on PlanetRomeo in Germany: A decent cross section of the gay community. However, there are just so few guys on there that you are stuck with a little number of BDSM kinksters. But this isn’t a big deal: With a limit to 10 (!) messages a day and no possibility so see you sent messages (both without the premium subscription), there is no way a decent communication can be established. And again: With no talk, there is no date – at least for me, especially since I have heard so many horrible stories from crazy and dangerous persons on gay dating sites who will lure you into your home to do all kinds of mischief to you.

And of cause there is PlanetRomeo. But with less than 900 members in the Chicago Metropolitan Area I don’t think to write any more on this website.

I know, I am only at the beginning of my US experience and I hope to soon get in contact with some pervert locals. But since I am easier to get in touch with people first online and then meet them in real life it might be a bit harder to get to know new people over here. So my adventure just got a bit more challenging and interesting. If you are interested in helping me settling in or overcoming my difficulties just hit me up.

An European Gay in Chicago

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This blog entry should mark the beginning of a little series o entries where I talk about my highly subjective thoughts on my experiences as a European gay and pervert in the US.

As you might already know, I am spending my exchange semester at a Christian university in Chicago. When I was told where I would be spending my semester abroad there, I was kind of concerned due to the attitude some protestant churches in the US have. But when I took a deeper look at what values my host institution has and after getting in contact with the president of the local LGBT club, I was a bit calmed down and flew to Chicago with a good feeling.

The first two and a half weeks have passed by, I have come over the jet lag, got adjusted to the sometimes strange ways an American university works and now I am ready to get really involved with the life in the US and ready to share my thoughts on things I find remarkable from my European perspective.

2013 – An Outlook

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The near year is already 3 days old. So it is time to brew some tea, get some soda biscuits and change into rubber to reflect a little on the upcoming 12 month.

Things I vainly hoped for in 2012

The Recon Android App

For half a decade iOS has been THE mobile ecosystem for gays. However things have change and with high class Android devices flooding the market and more and more people getting fed up with the restrictions of iOS I hoped that Recon would finally release an Android App. Sadly, I was wrong. Let’s hope for 2013…

A better Communication Style

I don’t know if I have been raised in the 19th century or if I expect too much but the communication style of most gays and BDSM retailers is really bad – to put it in a civilized way. Regarding gays when you get a facepic and you don’t like the guy, at least write him politely that he is not your type. Just staying silence is bad style. And when it comes to toy manufacturers or retailers, it is even worse: Some stores don’t answer inquiries at all – regardless whether you write to them over their website, twitter or a normal e-mail – or you get one answer and if you answer to that e-mail again, there is silence. My outlook for the next year on that issue? Grim!

What Products I would like to see in 2013

A worthy successor of the ET312b

Most of you know that I haven’t done electro yet. But as a quality maniac if I get into electro play, I want to do it properly with decent box. Most long-time kinksters and toy shop owners I have talked to said, that there isn’t a good product out there at the moment. The majority of the new boxes are not powerful enough p.e. for large plugs but they wouldn’t also recommend the ET312b due to being complicate to use and having a horrible, only beta-like PC suite. So I really hope for a powerful, easy to use and multifunctional e-stim box in 2013.

Lanyards

I know, most of you will be laughing by now but let me explain. Many kinksters I know what to show they perversion in everyday life but can’t use products like a wristband due to a dress code or unpleasant questions from the family. So the easiest solution would be a lanyard slightly hanging out of a pocket showing the logo of a major toy manufacturer. But weirdly neither Mr S Leather nor Mister B nor RoB nor Fort Torff, etc. pp. carry such a simple item. This is even more astonishing when you look at which price point fashion or sport brands sell their lanyards for and for which little price you can get a thousand of these made in China. So large margin combined with little capital lockup costs, I can’t really understand why at least one large retailer offers lanyards.

Walltes

Another laugh but again, let me finish. Nearly every large toy distributor today started out as a small leather workshop catering to the demands of the local market. And still, many of these shops make their leather items themselves or even have a bespoken leather service because one of the core competence is high quality leather works. So again: I wonder why they don’t offer wallets. This is not only my everlasting struggle to bring kink in everyday life or my frustration that I can’t find a decent new wallet, but also a marketing issue. For many kinksters BDSM is also a lifestyle which doesn’t only influence their free time, party and mating habits, but also their mindset, their social values, it has created an own art aesthetic and so forth. Toy manufacturers can benefit from this development by not only creating a strong brand identity which interacts with the scene but also can make additional sales on lifestyle accessories – like wallets –kinksters have been buying from other brand.

What to expect from ToyTorture.com

DYI

I have long planed some Do it Yourself Articles but somehow there wasn’t the time and the place to realize them. And there probably will not during my stay in Chicago, so it will probably be fall until you will find blue prints on this website.

What I personally Hope for in 2013

Getting my visa in time for my departure on the 9th

An interesting, enriching and live changing semester abroad

Many critical readers for ToyTorture.com

Finishing my bachelor and starting my master

What I look forward to in 2013

Laughing with old friends

Meeting new friends

Dawn at Lake Shore

More kinkier, dirtier and perverted session

Cocktails and Cooking in Hamburg

Pain and Passion at Folsom in Berlin

Seeing my boy friend after 5 month in Chicago

What I Wish my Readers for 2013

Health, Success, Joy, Laughter, good Sessions and even better Friends, interesting Encounters and tempting Possibilities

Christmas Gift Tip IV: Books

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Tomorrow is Christmas Eve so you are running out of time if you need some gifts. So today I present you a selection of one of the most basic and easiest available gift: Books. I haven’t read all of them, but I have gotten recommendation from friends who own them. If you have a good gay book store around it should be possible to at least take look inside the book so you can check in advance if it is the right gift to present.

Leatherman's Handbook IIThe Leatherman’s Handbook II is THE classic of all leather and BDSM books. There is no discussion, every serious person into BDSM how has some interest in books should own this book. Despite the name it is not all about leather but also about BDSM. Since the origin of this book is way over 30 years old some parts are unintentionally funny. But still: This is the classic!

Skin TightsWhen you are or getting into rubber Skin Tight is the right choice. It talks a lot about rubber in general, the scene and the history. A fun book to read and not too thick (for some weird reason people accustomed to Facebook and Twitter seem to be scared by thick volumes :D).

The Complete Leatherboy HandbookI haven’t read the Complete Leatherboy Handbook myself but a friend of mine recommended it. I will be happy to get any feedback on this recommendation from you after Christmas.

Family JewelsAnother book which I haven’t gotten in my hand yet but which a friend found highly interesting and amusing is Family Jewels a book about CBT. And just for this camp interpretation of rough CBT on the cover you got to have it if you are a pain queen.

Pauls BücherIf you can read German or need a reason to learn German two of my favorite German books on gay BDSM. Pauls Bücher (Paul’s Books) is based on a real life master slave relation. They articulated their fears, wishes, etc. throughout a series of books which are reprinted in this book. It is one of the most intense pieces on BDSM I have ever read and is defiantly worth reading!

Bondage - Ausstieg aus der SelbstkontrolleSadly I haven’t found yet an English substitute for Bondage – Ausstieg aus der Selbstkontrolle (Bondage – Giving up self-control). It is a book about Bondage covering theory and practice for interested newcomers but also has a lot to offer for experienced bondage master.

Male BondageBrave - Men and FetishWhen you are not so much into reading or are looking for a more or less shocking book for your coffee table, take a look at Male Bondage or Brave – Men and Fetish.

Christmas Gift Tip III: Everyday Pride

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Christmas Gift Tip II: Everyday Pride

After another step to the total rubberization of your playroom and some art to make your living room a bit kinkier, it is now time to bring some pervert’s pride into your or the presentee’s everyday life.

The easiest and most common piece to show your affection is the wristband and probably everybody owns at least a simple one and/ or a wrist wallet. However, there are more elaborate ones, like a 3-strap wristband which has much more presence than a smaller one.

Wrist 2

If you like the feeling of a restraint being bound on your wrist but don’t want to run around with an actual restraint, maybe the 2 buckle Scorpio wristband will still your desire.

Wrist 3

For an even rougher look, try the linked armband or one with rivets. When you have a strong wrist the small size might also be wearable as a wristband.

Wrist 4 Wrist 1

Maybe a wristband is too obvious for you and your living situation. Then you can consider a belt from Mister B. It retails in a thinner, 4cm wide version which you can wear to a suit

Gürtel 4cm II Gürtel 4cm I

or you can have it with a double thorn clasp and 5cm width which again has more presence and won’t fit into most dress pants.

Gürtel 5cm II Gürtel 5cm I

When purchasing a belt you have to be careful: It sells with or without the Mister B logo embossment at the end, so you can choose if you want to have a bit of kinkiness or just a plain, high quality belt.

Of cause there are some pigs out there who want to show really brash their nasty desires. For such perverts the Gear Store Berlin carries a great line of t-shirts which enables you to tell the people around you about your occupation

Slave Master

or some nasty kink.

Dirty DicksSneaker Cleaner

Yet pervert’s pride doesn’t stop with attire. How about a leather gym bag

Gym Bag

or a small toiletries bag from a kinky brand in order to score some flirtatious looks in the shower.

Toiletries Bay

You can even get a matching travel bag

Travel Bag

and a stylish way to transport your suspension bars, canes and other long, not too heavy toys.

cane Bag

What I want for Christmas

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In the last couple of days people asked what I want for Christmas. So here is a short list what would make which part of my personality me happy.

The Toy Collector

Mister B Yellow-Black Rubber Restraints Set – the only really good rubber restraints I have seen to date

Boutique Bizzarre Leather Whip Size L with soft leather – once experienced it, loved it, got to have it!

E-Stim toys – When coming back from the USA I want to make a big feature on e-play. But I have nothing. So I need a good box, electrodes, other toys, etc.

The Economist
Mr. S Gift Card – the best way to make my stay in the USA enjoyable 😉

The Connoisseur

Lars Deike’s Painting “Unterwerfung” – Since I have seen this painting in September I am intrigued by its rough yet intimate sexual energy – despite featuring only skin heads.

A bottle of Comb 9 Gin – Can’t get this gin in Germany but reviews promises a unique taste experience.

The Luxury Bitch

Dunhill Avorities North South Bag – Finally a stylish man purse which is large enough for a small toy collection 😉

Smythson Hamilton A4 Lippiatt Folder – The only way to store and travel with stationary in style.

The Academic

Too many books to

The Average Kinkster Joe

A new rubber outfit – Put together black Chaps with yellow stripes, a codpiece jock with a yellow stripe and a zipper shirt with yellow stripes and finally I have a play outfit which looks fairly good and isn’t a surf suit.

Two new belts – 95cm of leather to bring more kinks into everyday life.

The entire Fred Perry Twin Tipped Polo Collection – I can’t simply have enough Fred Perry Polos in my Drawer

Some Crazy Nike Max90/ BW – For years my friends have been complaining that my foot wear is too dark and I am finally comfortable with a bit more colorful – that is if the all black leather Max90 isn’t too tempting 😉

Christmas Gift Tip II: Paintings from Lars Deike

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When it comes to kinky gifts most people think of gear, toys and maybe coffee table books. But why not support a fellow kinkster and enhance your living space by getting yourself some art. So today’s Christmas gift tip will be the paints from Lars Deike.

Lars Deike is one of Germany’s most renowned nude and fetish photographer. He has studied photography in LA and has exhibitions all over Germany and abroad. Two years ago he started to paint fetish motives in acrylic paint on canvas. He draws his inspiration from his photography and own experiences in the fetish world. I first came in contact with Lars’ paintings this Folsom when exhibited his paintings at Axel Hotel in Berlin. I was instantly intrigued by the motives, the style and the briskness of his pictures.

You can find a variety of different motives on his website deike.de. The pictures can be ordered via e-mail or you can commission your own motives. There is also a post card collection available. Sadly no poster and art prints are offered yet

Regulation Rubber Flogger

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As a rubber fetist myself I sometimes find the dominance of leather in the kinky scene annoying especially when it comes to toys. Of cause, leather is the ideal material for many purposes but nevertheless when you are into the feel and the smell of latex nothing else will do. So I am always happy to find a toy made out of rubber.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine told me about the rubber flogger from Regulation which he tried out in London. Being into rubber himself he was delighted by the smell and feeling and amazed by the build quality. Even though rubber isn’t as strong as leather this flogger will probably be good enough for a strong and serious flogging session. And serious it will be due to the rubber being softer than other rubber flogger but as an artificial material it is still harder with sharper edges than a soft leather flogger.

The flogger comes in various color variations and costs £99 each at the time of the publishing of this article.

Finally: A few Thoughts about How I write Reviews

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I know this blog entry has been promised for a long time and finally today during my lunch break I found some moments to articulate my thoughts.

After the test of the Mister S Talon Eagle Clamps I was a bit shocked: The clamps are good toy for experienced pain pigs and it only scored in the mid 7s. So I took a look at other toys I haven’t tested yet and scored them. The result was devastating. Even the ones I considered real good toys scored below 8. I wanted them to score better, but the numbers didn’t add up which got me thinking: How good is the rating system?

After a deep and critical look I came to the conclusion: It is not very good. Every toy I own is “up to the task”, even the bad ones so every toy should score 10 on this category. So the task score was influenced by other criteria which got own categories. And looking at the other ones I came to the conclusion that the rating is more subjective than I want it to be in all categories. In the end it comes down to question: Does the toy what I want it to do? And this can’t be the answer to the question if the toy is good for the reader.

Before starting this website I knew that toys can hardly be measures with objective criteria but I wasn’t aware of how difficult it was. So I need a new, more qualitative approach: The test will feature descriptions of how the toy performs in all important areas like security, handling, etc. so that everybody can decide if the performance in a specific category influences the usefulness of the toy for oneself. I hope that this new testing modus will create easier to understand and more universal reviews.

If you have any thoughts or advice for me on this topic, please let me know.

December – The Crazy Month

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Some of you might have already noticed: This month everything is a little bit different on ToyTorture.com. This is due to several reasons: I am working fulltime until Christmas eve meaning I mostly get hope way past 8pm and at home Christmas correspondence, chores, etc. await me. So sadly this website has a slightly lower priority than it should have. This means: The weekly update will not come as regular as you might want it to come. I wish I could promise you that things will get better after Christmas but with my semester abroad approaching and the uncertainty how things will work out at North Park University it probably will take until February or even March until everything runs smoothly again.