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About this time last year, I was made aware of Pillion for the first time. A friend from the USA told me that about half a year ago a US distributor had acquired the screening rights for a British gay BDSM drama and if I had heard about it. This sparked my interest, especially after the movie received standing ovations at Cannes last year and won several awards. The first trailers were so-so, but you know how a trailer can distort what a movie is actually about. When it started screening in the UK and USA, I got mixed to very disappointed reviews from friends who have seen it (see:  trigger warning). Last week, I had the opportunity to watch the movie myself. Having read some reviews, like the Guardian making analogies to humor of “Wallace & Gromit”, I was hoping for a lighthearted, sexy example of one of the deepest bonds the BDSM scene can offer, showing how trust and caring can bring the best out of two (or more) partner. Maybe the humor would come from being a bit over the top, like “Mommie Dearest” which John Waters called “the first comedy about child abuse” due to Faye Dunaway’s overacting. What I ended up seeing was saddening example of a predator preying on easy target, gas lighting him into an abusive relationship.

As a kinkster who has been in the scene for 25 years now, who had his fair share of experiences which sadly also include abusive experiences and sad nos, I feel the need to write my views about the movie. I feel this need to write this, because the movie is critically acclaimed and praised for being an “unconventional romance [with] nonjudgemental perspective“ [Rotten Tomatoes], a “film [which] is confidently staged and handsomely styled“ [Vanity Fair] and a “steamy art-house psychodrama that’s fairly light on analysis […] laced with a wry sense of humor“ [Variety] that “presents a relaxed and amusing look into the world of sadomasochism (sic!)“ [kinoprogramm.de]. Statements like that cannot go unchallenged. In an interview with German online medium Queer.de, the director called Pillion a “RomCom”, which being a movie to “make you laugh, make you think, make you feel and make you horny” being “absolutely” the “perfect movie for a first date.” If sexual and emotional abuse makes you horny, if looking at a person suffering makes you laugh, yes, this might be the perfect movie for a first date. But for every kinkster, for every person hoping to get an authentic glimpse into real kinky relationships, this will be a hard pill to swallow.

Before I start, please keep these things in mind:

1. Trigger warning: If you have experienced physically or mentally abusive relationship or BDSM scenes, this review might trigger you. Several friends who sadly had to go through such experiences in the past, had flashbacks after seeing the movie.
2. Spoiler warning: I will talk explicitly about the story and specific scenes of the movie.
3. Limitation: I will not talk about the artistic merit of the movie, the cinematography, about how hot some people find Alexander Skarsgård.

First, some technicalities, especially for the vanilla people who might have come to this opinion piece through a search engine. Pillion is set in the BDSM scene of a British city in the Greater London area. BDSM is an anagram which stands for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism. While the movie touches all three pairings – like most people engaging in BDSM who are also called kinksters -, it mostly plays with Dominance & Submission aspect which is more mental and less physical – unlike the clusterfuck 50 Shade of Grey.

The movie follows Collin, a probably early-30 gay introvert who works in park room control for the local council and sings in a barbershop quartet. While performing at a pub, he becomes aware of a group of leather men playing darts in a corner. A tall, quite blond catches his eye – Ray. After some minor interaction, Ray slips him a note with his phone number.

A couple of days later it is Christmas. Ray invites him to a first meeting in the evening on the towns square. Both are walking their dogs which they tie to a fountain (is this sub messaging to the pup community?). Ray leads Collin into a back alley, where he gently forces him to giving him a blowjob. Earlier setup implies that Collin is not that experienced with gay sex and it is later revealed that Ray has a big dick with a large PA. If you are picky, you could argue that there was a bit too much force against a little bit too much reluctance there. But we all have probably done a little bit too questionable things when we are a bit too horny.

From there, things go down quickly. They keep chatting on WhatsApp and Collin goes to Ray’s apartment. Upon arrival, he tells him what to cook and without any further explanation leaves him alone in the kitchen. Once the food is prepared, he to told to sit on the floor. Being madly in love, stunned by his presence or overwhelmed by his longing for dominance, Collin complies without any further questioning. The puzzled look in Collin’s face implies that what is expected has never been discussed. Ray only tells, never explains. Where a good dom leads his subs and enables him to become the best servant possible, Collin has to resort to trial and error and interpret Ray’s stoic face. Worse, we never see a consent negotiation. Limits and preference are never discussed. A safe word is never mentioned. If TPE (total power exchange) is what they both wish for, it must be explicitly discussed and both parties must agree. Without congruent consent, almost all BDSM activities are legally assault. This is what at least kinkster know and expect and probably most vanilla people assume. Setting boundaries, articulating what you like and dislike is a basic human behavior. Collin is not a fully trained sub who is just switching doms. It is simply impossible that he stoically takes everything Ray tries to push onto him. Ray actively shutting down any attempt of negotiating, actively not ensuring consent, maybe seeing him being confronted with his demons through Collin’s first yearning for tenderness would have added facets to the character and driven their development forward. But, as sadly so often in this movie, it is left out and the viewer is left guessing. Some might argue, the movie would have been too lengthy if you explored all these nuanced developments. But there is time for lengthy sex scenes which in the length and intensity do nothing for the character development or progression of the story. While as a gay I can attest that they are authentic and in a developed relationship could exactly happen like they do. In this movie and this dynamic, it feels like they have been added for „shock value“, to satisfy some voyeuristic desires of a probably straight audience because except the people involved wearing gear, they are not that kinky at all, let alone include any real physical sadism.

One of the next scenes is a play/ training wrestling fight in Ray’s living room, right in front of a big TV on a sideboard. As a person who has been optimizing play spaces for over a decade now, not an ideal placement for a large, easily tipped over piece of equipment. One of the many instances where the production crew apparently did not care to consult a real BDSM practitioner. While wrestling, Ray is wearing a singlet from Boxer, from Collin I can only remember that his is assless. The scene ends with Ray fucking Collin bareback. No prior negotiating about safer sex, no pre-stretching , little to no intimacy. Just Collin lying flat on the floor, Ray forcing himself into him, apparently taking his virginity.

When they part, Ray invites Collin to come back the same evening. Arriving at Ray’s apartment, most of his leather buddies are there, changing into gear for what I assume is going to be a play party. While a play party with a bunch of hot and kinky guys, might be the dream of many bottoms. Being thrown into such a setting without any prior discussion is not ok. Even more when it is the participants second intimate encounter.

The next part of this tour de force through ones journey into kink is Collin receiving his first motorcycle leathers. The movie is based on a book which claims to be set in old guard leather culture in the 70s. Especially in these circles, getting your first piece of gear bestowed on you was a huge deal on your way through the ranks of leather. But in Pillion it is just there because it is necessary for Collin to ride pillion with Ray.

This lack of using a significant moment for character development is trumped by the next cut to the future. Suddenly Collin is wearing a padlocked chain collar and has a buzz cut. Getting collared is probably one of the most significant moments in a dom sub relationship. It is a sign of taking both ownership and responsibility for the sub and the sub accepting the leadership of the top. Handing out a collar is not something you do lightly, as well as excepting a collar. This occasion is often celebrated in a collaring ceremony which could be among peers or intimate. It could be short, it could be elaborate. It could be a top closing the lock on a collar that the sub already owns. All these acts have significance and tell so much about the dynamic. But in Pillion it is just there.

The shaving of a sub is equally if not more significant. Hair plays an important part in our humanity and individuality. That is the reason why giving someone an unwanted haircut is considered assault in most jurisdictions. And that is why the people deported to concentration camps were shaven. Giving a top permission to alter the hair style is one of the if the biggest sacrifices and commitments a sub can give. But again, it just appears. To people in the know, it is just disappointing that events which could have been the emotional most intense scenes are just missing. But without that prior knowledge and context, what Variety called „light on analysis“ turns into leaving out important pieces of information necessary to follow the protagonist on his emotional journey.

This knowledge is important in one of the next scenes. For his birthday the bikers pick Collin up from Ray’s place in the middle of the night to take him to an overnight camping trip (or „run“ how it is called in the scene). What starts out as a fun and lighthearted activity quickly takes a serious turn: Ray and another top are in lake, carrying their subs on their shoulders to wrestle. Collin looses and is immediately replaced by another sub, Kevin because Ray does not like to lose. Later in the camp ground, Collin and the other sub are bending over picnic tables, ready to be used sexually. The other sub’s tops sits down behind him and starts working on his ass. Now Ray appears, unzip his pants and let the other sub suck his dick. This is where we see his rather big and ringed dick. The sub is going down in Ray’s dick hard while he maintains eye contact with Collin. Ray’s gaze is at best aloof, at worst cold while Collin’s face is full of sadness and longing. Without a word, Ray steps around, again without pre-stretching starts fucking Collin hard. No communication, no consent, just action of what feels like punishment. Punishment without telling the sub where he failed and how he could do better the next time is not just cruel but against a top’s own interests. Usually, a top wants his sub to perform at his best, being as efficient at his service and making him proud. Unless you want to set him up to fail. In an earlier scene, Collin talks to Kevin who tells him that Collin “sort of brings [Ray’s] qualities into relief”. What qualities they are remains a mystery to the viewer (except him being handsome and hung). It is amazing none of the other members of the group feel the need to correct him or tell his sub that is abusive behavior has nothing to do with the trustful relationship D/s is supposed to be. They just shrug and carry on. Again, something that especially in the old guard leather community would probably never have happened (basically, back then you ascended through ranks once you were a good enough dom). It could be that this dynamic is what Collin actively agreed on, probably during the collaring ceremony when usually the terms of submission are again explicitly mentioned (after previously being extensively discussed and negotiated outside the D/s context) so both parties know what they can expect from such an arrangement. But the viewing kinkster can only assume and wonder, the vanilla people are probably shocked.

At a family dinner where Ray is introduced to Collin’s parents, Ray’s deafening silence escalates. Next, Collin’s mother dies from cancer. Instead of being a caring dom who is comforting the soul who has been entrusted to him in such difficult times, he just asks Collin if he is ok which he affirms and then sends him to the kitchen. No reading of his body language which screams the opposite of his words, no taking the lead when his sub does not know what is good for him. In a displacement activity, Collin burns his fingers on the pot handles. Only after injuring himself, Ray shows care and gentleness. He even lets Collin sleep next to him in his bed instead of the floor in front of it. Having been shown how human(e) Ray can be, he starts longing for this part of his personality too. For the first time, he takes agency for his own needs and desires. But instead of opening a discussion about the evolution of their relationship, Ray blocks everything and continue with his highly problematic behavior.  This escalates into Collin stealing Ray’s motorcycle and taking it for a ride through the night. Back home, Ray is not mad but tender and loving. They have a nice day on equal footing. Ray gives Collin a possibility to outshine him. In a cinema Ray makes Collin cum. This could have been a very significant moment in their D/s relation if we knew that chastity was part of their dynamic. But we don’t so it is just an instance of gays being not able to control their horniness. The chase from being thrown out of the cinema end Ray falling on his back in a park, Collin being on top of him, trying to kiss him. This intimate moment apparently confronts Ray with his inner demons.

His reaction is to ghost Collin. Ray is not answering his message, he has moved out of his apartment. Collin’s father is driving his son around the gay motorcyclist meeting points of London but Ray is not to be found and nobody has piece of information about his whereabouts. Interestingly, also none of the other members of the group is seen in any shot. They all have vanished from the face of the earth. Leaving dismissed, not decollared sub hanging in the air without anybody from the community is stepping in, is again highly unusual. Here, for dramatic effect, one of the most essential part of the kink community is intentionally ignored: The community, the support, the caring for each others in times of need.

All through the movie I was wondering if writer and director Harry Lighton was a member of the kink community. In the end, there is a hint either in the direction if he is a community member or who his imagined audience is which makes me question his intention with the movie. But let’s take one thing at a time.

Back as a barbershop singer in the bar where it all started, Collin set ups an online dating profile on Grindr. Especially as a British film, I would have chosen Recon, as a local and „community“ driven app (maybe one of these days I will write down my thoughts on Recon but not today). This short sequence is a bright spot: He describes himself honestly, sets boundaries and articulates precisely what he is looking for. Then there is a cut to a local soccer match. Collin approaches a random stranger who is wearing the team’s jersey and starts talking to him. The guy seems somewhere between aloof and not interested. But Collin kneels down and starts tying the top’s shoe laces. Again, there was no negotiation or even a non-verbal sign that the top consents to this. First, also a top has the right to be asked if he wants submission from someone. Second, such a public act can easily become problematic. Since the top is wearing the team’s jersey we can only assume that he is among people who know him. A stranger dropping in front of him and tying him laces is at best unusual, at worst can lead to uncomfortable questions. Again, the movie fails to provide context. Did Collin find a random dom close by on the grid or did they chat before on Grindr, negotiated that such a public act of submission was his entry card? The searching look from Collin if this guy is the guy he has seen on the app could validate both interpretation. The final picture is the two walking together before there is the cut to the credit.

Circling back: Who is the movie for? It could either be for vanilla people. Grindr as an easily recognized global cultural phenomenon could be a cue. But then the movie lacks so much context and explanations. Without deeper knowledge of the shared values, rites and symbols of the kink scene, the movie cannot be properly understood. Instead of an authentic insight into a D/s relationship, it is a voyeuristic piece about the depraved things gay (?) kinksters do and how morally questionable they are. Or it could be for kinksters as an example of what can happen when you substitute therapy with kink, when explicit communication does not happen, when a much more experienced player takes advantage of the lack of knowledge of a curious newbie. But when it is for the community, why Grindr? Why are essential rites of passage like the collaring or the most emotionally intense acts like the shaving of the hair not shown? There, genuine moments of trust and bonding could have be shown. Instead the movie choose to show extensive rougher sex scenes which adds to voyeurism but does not drive the story forward.

When I first heard about Pillion, I hoped for an authentic representation of a power dynamic. And to some extend it is. In my almost 14 years of running this website, countless of times I have gotten messages from mostly new to the scene subs asking if dynamics very similar to this are ok and what they can expect. Because of this, I fear a bit, that people will find validation for their actions and relationship in this movie. That people suffer through things when they should get out. Of course, a movie like this could never be commercially successful with only a kinky audience. In fact, most viewers will be vanilla people who were enticed by the raving reviews. But without further context, analysis or explanatory metatext, Pillion cannot be fully understood. Many will probably take it as an example of a typical gay D/s relationship. This aura of authenticity is emphasized by the clever marketing trick of inviting esteemed European BDSM clubs to screenings, probably ignorant towards what the movie shows. Such club outings are understandable social activities. My local fetish club is also planning to go the local premiere in gear to get as nice pictures as our fellow clubs in Stockholm or Dublin. If I had not had the depressing and discouraging reviews from trusted friends in the English speaking world, I would probably be equally enthusiastic as my club brothers. But now, many kinkster will give a movie clout that it should not deserve. In the end, this movie will validate bad stereotypes about kinksters instead of questioning them.